Aging out

I started this blog when Jack was a year old. There was this rough idea to write a book about being a stay-at-home Dad with a toddler, and the blog would not only be a way to maybe promote or create interest for it, but also showcase my writing for potential publishers. I don't know. The idea seemed valid, and it would also help me to practice writing and give some permanence to my thoughts and experiences.

The book never happened, but the blog was a wild success. With my immediate family members and a few strangers who stumbled upon it while probably searching for ways to buy diapers online. But I think -- next to my wife and of course Mom, who checked it every day even when I was only posting every month or so -- it was the most useful to me. An outlet for my thoughts and experiences, a place to work through the adventures and occasional stress of being a parent (of first Jack, and then also Kate), a way to write down things that I didn't want to forget.

My Mom printed out all of them; that was nice. Emily had them collected into an oversized book that I keep by my bed; also great to have. (I'm going to need to look into getting a Volume 2 published, which will be a little bit thinner.) And I hope they'll live forever on the Internet, entertaining future online readers who are looking for great deals on diapers.

So why stop? There are multiple reasons. One is that they're no longer toddlers, shuffling around and drawing pictures of rainbow faces and monkeys and dogs and stick figure adults. They're basically little people, and it feels a little too familiar or intrusive if I talk about Jack walking home with a girl or Kate's mini-dramas with her friends. They're 13 and 11, and before I know it he'll be in high school and she won't be far behind.

The second, kind of sadder, is that I don't see them as much as I used to. Crazy to say, but I used to see them after school every day, and there were daily trips to the grocery store, the YMCA for swim lessons, and organizing and scheduling playdates. Now there are sports practices or gymnastics classes at a minimum, but also kids disappearing from view shortly after getting home for homework (more than there used to be), video games (way more than there used to be) and other online pursuits -- games, texting with friends, Instagram and SnapChat. We can and do limit these things, but then what? Jack doesn't want to sit and do a craft project anymore. Kate only rarely has any interest in drawing a picture.

It's easy (but not entirely wrong) to blame the smartphone. If they didn't have that distraction -- the lure of always being able to interact with their friends, or watch a funny video, or whatever -- perhaps I'd see them a little more. But I think back to when I was Jack's age. If I didn't have a soccer practice, it isn't like I hung out doing crafts or playing games with my parents. I watched TV, read books and comic books in my room, talked on the phone with friends. Between school and dinner, and dinner and bed, the bulk of my interactions were when we watched the same TV show. OK and cards and board games, but less and less as we got older.

So the blog is done; long live the blog! I'm not fully comfortable writing soul-baring pieces about the kids anymore, but I've still got a dozen years and hundreds of past posts (654! Wow) to read through when I need a reminder of what it was like having these little people crowd around me to play, or help them to paint, or throw a ball in the backyard. It seems like only yesterday. It seems like an eternity ago.

When they get home today, I'll give them an extra hug, and they'll look at me kind of funny like, Dad? What's up? And I'll say, you know, I was just taking a trip down memory lane, remembering what it was like when you were little. And Jack will probably shrug and Kate will probably roll her eyes. And then they'll disappear off upstairs to whatever, and I'll have to work to get them back to do something that they used to have to work to get me to do.

It would be nice to tie this all up in neat bow, but that's not going to happen. I miss those days, and yet, I've seen so many great new things occur. Jack taking an interest in things he used to have no use for, like girls. Kate doing things I used to not be able to fathom her doing, like back handsprings or burying her nose in a book at the breakfast table. They're not the little kids they used to be. I'll blink and they won't be the bigger kids they are now.

Who knows what the next week, month or years will bring? Blog or no blog, it will happen. Somehow I'll keep writing about it, even if it's only in my head.